Almost four years ago, my husband and I involved ourselves in an argument with two of our teenagers, and unfortunately, this time it turned physical.
Growing up a pastor’s kid came with a certain status and mindset that I was raised right, brought up in the church, and therefore knew and walked the narrow path of salvation. I had trained myself to get up early every day and read the Bible for my devotions. I felt I did not need to pray much for my children as I knew how to raise them in the Lord and to also walk the narrow path. I was homeschool mom to three, stepmom to two already grown and out of the house, and then an international adoption bringing home a sibling set of four beautiful children.
Then, overnight life got really hard. We went from an average size family to a large family and for seven and a half years I struggled to lovingly raise, teach, and train my seven children. As they grew older, things got even harder as they began developing into their own person and it became much more difficult to control external behavior. I grew more and more bitter and angry. I began sending my children to public school one or two at a time, and I went back to work part time as a nurse. I disciplined with anger and the worse things got, the more I quit trying to parent.
Several of the children ran away at different times, which looking back, I know God was trying to get my attention, but I died inside instead. This was the situation leading up to that horrible night, now almost four years ago.
That night, I loosed my anger on the children and as a result we were arrested on misdemeanor assault charges and felony child abuse charges. I was going to jail. I was handcuffed and placed into the back of the sheriff’s car, made to sit on the hard and plastic molded seats. I was driven to the county’s detention center, into the secured sally port and removed from the vehicle. It was then I learned that I was being arrested, not just for assault, but for child abuse as well.
I was searched, photographed, fingerprinted, and handcuffed to a cold, brick wall as I awaited my fate. While the deputy typed up the preliminary police report, I was told I would be appearing before the police commissioner who would determine if I stayed in jail or got released that night. I was not placed in a private cell where I could hide in my shame, but for hours remained handcuffed and sitting on a steel stool in booking. It was already a busy area with deputies, troopers, and corrections officers coming and going, but my high-profile charges made me even more of a spectacle.
Two stools down, another man joined me arrested, loud, belligerent, and intoxicated. We were handcuffed to the same wall, and he looked me over with curiosity. It felt like we were the dregs of society.
Well after midnight, after seeing the stern female commissioner behind the glass window who recorded everything I said, I was finally released. Through the loud, clanging, steel door I was buzzed out into the lobby to await the arrival, ironically, of my 17-year-old son to take us home. My copy of the police report listed a penalty of 25 years in prison for a maximum conviction on both charges. The one hour of sleep and early dawn did nothing to ease the despair into which I descended, seeing the blackness of my sin.
This was the lowest and most broken I had ever been. I was facing my remaining years of life on this earth existing in prison, separated forever from my husband. Would this be the last time I laid in his arms? My home, my children, my life would all go away, and a prison cell would become my reality. Oh, the pain and regret from a burst of anger, and how one sinful choice can change the entire course of life in a split second!
For three days I functioned in a state of shock. Life continued around me, but I was numb to it all. Eventually, I decided that I would go to my children again, and as empty as it may seem, apologize to them for my years of failing to love them. This I did, then went upstairs to my room and made a conference call to several of our closest friends who knew nothing of the week’s events. I disclosed everything to them and then apologized to one of my friends for holding a grudge against her for the last year. She lovingly with open heart received me back.
After the phone conversation, I am still trying to comprehend and could never with mere words explain. God touched me and drew me near to Himself! I was surrounded by His lovingkindness and embraced in His presence! Whether minutes or hours I know not, but His manifold beauty, essence, splendor, majesty, and blessings poured out!
I was overwhelmed with the most abundant fullness of JOY. Joy unspeakable! There was joy in the HOPE of my salvation! This, I remember thinking, is what real joy is! My mind was set on things above as this life is only temporary and then I will forever be with my God and King who loves me!
In His presence, I experienced PEACE, a peace that transcends all understanding! There was a cataclysmic storm of my own making raging around me, but I was in the very calm center at peace, right where He had me.
LOVE, I was filled with an overwhelming desire for my closest but unsaved coworkers to KNOW this MIGHTY God who is real and alive and powerful and present even in this modern day! In fact, I wondered why Christians aren’t falling over themselves, gushing and exclaiming how much God is alive and working and wanting all of us to know Him?
I sat down and opened my Bible. I don’t remember exactly what I read, but I distinctly remember the words became alive, lifting, and communicating directly to me, and there was no sin any longer between the words of God and me! Each meaning of the verse was exquisitely clear and there was no question in what God was saying in His written word. Oh, the excitement to read Scripture all over again, relearning with new insight every word and meaning!
I was purified, and very much aware of my own words. “Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:5). Never again did I want to utter a sinful word! With God’s power, I realized it was possible to guard every word that came from my mouth and use my speech to edify and encourage as God intended. He lifted me high on wings as eagles! Nothing in life mattered anymore but HIM!
No longer did it matter what happened to me or where I spent the rest of my life, I was His and I was here for His purpose! If prison was my destination, then God had a purpose for me being there and I could make Him known there just as well as anywhere! No quarter inch to the left, no step to the right did I dare take! Never again did I want to be away from His majestic and powerful presence!
Since that transforming night with God Almighty, I have tried to comprehend its meaning. I feel compelled, not by my own power, to mightily pursue Christ, to return to the closeness and sweetness and purity of His presence. I feel driven by His Spirit to accomplish His purposes! But so many times, my flesh gets in the way. How many instances do you hear of a person who has been near to Christ, but as time goes on, that person eases back into their comfortable life? This cannot be! He is too valuable to forsake! He is so real and knowing Him is more precious than life itself! “One day in His courts is better than a thousand elsewhere!” (Psalm 84:2, 10).
One week after being arrested, I was working my normal Wednesday shift at the hospital when the very thing I dreaded did happen. My arrest photo appeared in the newspaper and online along with an embellished description of events the night we were arrested. There was no more hiding it or keeping my sin a secret. This was the point where any and all remaining dignity, reputation, and pride in myself was stripped and I was again exposed to society ,but exponentially exposed this time. I left work having a sinking feeling this may be my last shift and took all my personal items with me. My boss called and sympathetically placed me on paid administrative leave “until this all blows over,” she consoled. Not long after, my job termination letter arrived in the mail!
Over the next six weeks it was a tumultuous time for the family as we processed what was happening. Court hearing dates were scheduled and canceled and rescheduled for unknown reasons to us. Meetings with lawyers, children in counseling, anger management classes, and court letter after court letter received in the mail. Our lives stopped but for the anticipation of what was to happen next. Now that the case was transferred to the criminal Circuit court, we learned we could be re-arrested on the same charges and held in jail pending sentencing. Every day at home became a gift from God!
Over the summer there were changes my husband and I began to make at home. I’ve heard it said that it takes 30 days to break a habit. So with that information, I decided to start making myself intentionally do one sacrificial and loving thing for the children each day. I prayed to be the most patient person anyone has ever known. I was given a copy of the Love Dare for Parents and some days it became quite a monumental task to perform a separate loving action or conversation for nine different children in one day! I knew I needed to serve my children, not the other way around.
On Friday, September 2nd we were summoned to the final court hearing. Through haphazard plea deals our lawyer had made over text and quick meetings, we were expecting to finalize the deal to drop charges against myself and my husband’s charges were to be placed on hold for three years before being dropped. The prosecuting State’s Attorney made his plea deal recommendations to the judge and in one heart stopping moment, the judge announced he would not accept the State’s Attorney’s recommendations!
Filled with dread, despair, and disbelief, we waited the next few seconds anticipating a reversal and the announcement of the maximum prison penalty we deserved. In a testimony to God’s mercy, power, and grace, the judge chose to drop ALL charges, and our records were completely expunged! God forgave and removed our sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). All glory to God!!
October 13th, 2022, our criminal record was publicly expunged, but for me that date represents the beginning of a second chance! It is no longer my own life. Getting arrested is the best thing that could have happened to me, aside from God’s saving grace. In fact, I tell friends who won’t take it the wrong way, that if you want to change, then GET ARRESTED! This was the catalyst for many necessary changes in my life. I never want to lose my purpose and pray that by God’s sustaining power He will keep me close to Him! I am relearning Scripture and unlearning old, dried up, legalistic ways. Many things I don’t know! Many things I have yet to learn!
My prayers are now focused on my family, the eternal church family, and the lost. God is love and I pray He mightily infuses all of us with His love that surpasses knowledge and is beyond comprehension!
Now that it has been four years since God has become alive to me, he has so abundantly blessed us with so many heavenly blessings. God has now directed me to “prison nursing.” He has allowed me to share Christ with so many people! I get to encourage those incarcerated when they are at their lowest! I get to point people to Christ who are consumed with thoughts of ending it all and have no hope.
And praise God, He has restored relationships for us with our children.
I realize there may be other moms who are stuck in the same religious system I was in. I didn’t know there was anything more than what I was already doing, but I had often questioned, “Where is the victory over sin that the Bible promises, and why can’t I get that victory over my anger?” If your relationship with God is one-sided, academic, and cold, don’t be deceived! For me, I am so thankful that God broke me and stripped me of my arrogant pride. Being broken is a beautiful place to be with Christ being all you have left!
ROXANNE CLARK
Ridge, Maryland, USA
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The following are Scriptures which Roxanne used throughout her testimony. Would you like to look them up and read them?
1 Peter 2:9; Psalm 119:67, 75; Hebrews 12:5-11; Habakkuk 3:17,18; Isaiah 40:6-8; Daniel 4:34, 35; 7:14, 18, 27; Ephesians 4:22-24; and John 3:8.
Picture: Stephen and Roxanne Clark
